Vampire Weekend Devoured By Werewolves

A tragedy occured yesterday in the indie-rock community, one so bizarrely ironic that those who witnessed it will surely not forget it. Vampire Weekend, who earlier this year released a self-titled debut album to much acclaim from fans, bloggers, and some critics, were savagely eaten by a rogue gang of werewolves at their March 31st show in Salt Lake City, Utah. Witnesses report that the attack was swift and merciless, with those in the front row trying to warn the band of their impending doom, to no avail.

"It was so, so horrible" stated concertgoer Emma Ceasby. "It was worse than hipster irony, which is merely a synonym for being overtly clever or tongue-in-cheek. It was actual irony. I don't think anyone expected Vampire Weekend's demise to be this way. Maybe by the unreasonable expectations hoisted upon their second record, but not by fucking werewolves of all things."

Details are still unreliable, but all who saw the carnage agree on this: The band was in the midst of perfoming, when dark shadows drew closer and closer to the group.

"I think they were performing 'Walcott'--to be honest, not one of my favorite songs from the record. The Blue CD-R version is sooo much better" explained fan Darren "Spooner" Witherspoon. "All of a sudden, these really dark shadows started appearing on the curtain behind them. At first, I thought it was a lighting trick, or especially industrious music bloggers trying to get bootleg recordings. But then Ezra's (Koening, vocals/guitar) spine knocked the bottle of PBR right out of my hand. At that point, I decided it was a good idea to leave."

Amongst the victims are: drummer Chris Tomson, who was beaten to death with his own tom-toms before being swallowed whole; bassist Chris Baio, who was impaled through the forehead with a 1973 Fender Precision bass; keyboardist Rostam Batmanglij, who was eviscerated in half with the very same scarf he wore a few weeks back during the band's "Saturday Night Live" appearence; and Koening, who was so throughly decapitated that he had the same quizzical expression on his face that he normally wears at performance time. Police were still searching for the spine that allegedly knocked over Witherspoon's beer.

Those who were closest to the band were still trying to make sense of the awful massacre.

"I don't even know why werewolves would go to a Vampire Weekend show, let alone eat them!" said band manager Tod Browning. "Perhaps they thought they were going to actually meet vampires, and then got really angry when they saw that it was just four dudes from Columbia College. Either way, this is terrible. I miss the band dearly."

Even though those who were responsible for the slayings are still at large, there is no reason to panic, at least according to those who know both music and werewolves very well.

"The demon wolf is not evil, unless the man he has bitten is evil" said New Yorker music critic and part-time werewolf hunter Sasha Frere-Jones. "Fortunately, for music fans, the only people bitten were proveyors of slightly pleasent, but very gimmicky, afro-indie-pop music. The worse they could have done, if they had survived, is gone after Peter Gabriel. But, as history as shown us, his rhythm section has got a motherfucker of a kung-fu grip. I have no doubts that the wolves would have been defeated."

Despite the supposed lack of threat, Jones said that he will spend his remaining days tracking down the beasts responsible for the killings, using a assembled team of rag-tag music critics and part-time werewolf hunters. Amongst the chosen are Jim DeRogatis of the Chicago Sun-Times and Jessica Hopper of the Chicago Reader.

Broken Social Scene to Compete in 2010 World Cup

I don't normally care about sports, but I have to admit this is pretty awesome.

Broken Social Scene held a press conference this morning in Toronto to announce that they will be competing in the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

"I am proud to state that we will be the first mixed-gender team to compete," Emily Haines said.

"Yes, it's true that we're doing this in the name of progress, but I also want to headbutt Zidane," Kevin Drew said. "That fucker is going down."

The band has been training for some time in a fitness regimen designed to increase speed, agility and leg strength. "We've been working on this since 2003 or 2004. We're out there every day, even in the cold of winter. We want to win," Amy Milan said during the conference.

The Scene hasn't decided who will be in the game and who will be warming the bench, but head coach Ben Canning assured crowds that there is no shortage of talent on the team. "There are a lot of us, so we struck gold on a few players. That's just statistics."

"I'm not naming any names," Canning said. "But there are a few of us who definitely won't be in the game because they haven't got what it takes. We don't want to burn bridges, but we want to win."

Leslie Feist was later seen crying in the bathroom, according to Perez Hilton

At the conference, the team's jerseys were also revealed. Manufactured by American Apparel, they feature rainbow trim on the sleeves and a unicorn on the front.


Wow, wow, wow! Which team member's name do you want emblazoned on your jersey?

Ryan Adams Accidentally Records Grand Funk Railroad Tribute Album In His Sleep

Alt-country musician Ryan Adams is known in the music community for many reasons, not the least of which includes his prolific output as an artist. Since his solo career began in 2000, Adams has released nine albums, three of which (Cold Roses, Jacksonville City Nights, and 29, respectively) came out within a single year. However, having such a prodigious output seems to be taking its toll. The singer recently revealed that, unbeknownst to him, Adams apparently recorded a tribute album to 70s blue-collar rockers Grand Funk Railroad during what was supposed to be a restful break from a recording session for his new album.

Adams, 32, explained that, to his chagrin, he had dosed off while writing and producing his latest solo effort, the result of staying up for two days straight rehearsing the new material.

“I was just plain exhausted and, rather than do some stupid shit that might cause me to relapse or something like that, I decided to take ‘er easy for once and just go to sleep. The next morning, I wake up and go to my favorite breakfast place in New York. They serve really good eggs there, which is great because it’s hard to get eggs at any time in any other city…I was sitting there, eating my breakfast…taking my time…when all of a sudden…this chick comes up to me and says, ‘that version of ‘We’re An American Band’ you did was simply amazing. I loved the stripped-down take you did on it.’”

Adams went on to explain that, as he cordially thanked the woman despite the fact that he had no idea what the fan was talking about, it slowly dawned on him that he had written, produced, and released the 12-track tribute album (now titled Nothing is the Same: A Tribute To Grand Funk Railroad) while he had dosed off during his normal recording session.

"I mean, I have a couple of Grand Funk records. Certainly, E Pluribus Funk. But I had no idea that they had such an extensive back catalog that I could pay homage to in somnambulant fashion. Sweet merciful crap, how do I get myself into these situations?” Adams sighed.

As the native New Yorker explains it, many of his albums have been recorded under seemingly chance-filled circumstances. His 2001 effort Gold was conceived while Adams was watching a PBS documentary, and that 2003’s Love is Hell came to exist “because some teardrops of mine short-circuited the mixing board and then some freaky-sad voodoo shit started happening and then BOOM! Two-part concept album.”

Adams then elaborates: “Rock N’ Roll was recorded when I tripped over my guitar amp and somehow turned the distortion all the way up. I was yelling all sorts of crazy shit into the microphone, when all of sudden I hear my producer say ‘That’s a wrap. I’ll send it to the plant’. Before I could say, ‘Send what to where?’, the record was pressed and the first single was sent to radio. Next thing I know, I’m on a 40-city tour with Neko Case and Jesse Malin. I mean, seriously, What The Fuck!!?”

“Even though Pitchfork gave it such a low rating, I thought that score was pretty good, considering that I apparently had written half of the record while yelping in pain from the stubbed toe and the other half while bandaging it.” Adams conceited.

One might think that these developments are fortuitous more often than not. Adams, who’s most well-known song “New York, New York” became an unexpected hit after 9/11, has a different perspective on his supposed luck.

“Does this happen to anyone else? I mean, I definitely remember recording the Whiskeytown stuff, and Heartbreaker I certainly recall. Easy Tiger was put together in a real good headspace. But the others…I just don’t know. I mean, do other people have this problem? Does someone like Stephen King write novels and shit that he doesn’t remember?”

Adams then sighed and took a drag off of his cigarette.

“And now I have to promote an entire tribute album to Grand Motherfucking GodFunkDamned Cocksucking Railroad. This is some serious bullshit.”

Adams grudgingly stated that the tour behind the record starts in summer of this year.

Kenny Loggins Opts to Take Frontage Road to Danger Zone Instead

Citing concerns over travel time, newly begun construction, and traffic congestion, 80s music star and soft rock icon Kenny Loggins, famous for his contributions to the soundtracks of such films as Caddyshack, Footloose, and Top Gun, opted on Monday to take the frontage road to the Danger Zone instead of the more popular highway which he made famous in his 1986 hit song. The frontage road to the Danger Zone, formerly known as US Route 183, used to be the main way to travel to and from downtown Los Angeles before construction on the Highway to the Danger Zone began in the early 80s.

Music star Loggins said that, while he’s traveled on the highway numerous times, recent times have made it a less desirous way to commute.

Loggins elaborates: “Certainly, everyone knows that there’s a highway to the danger zone. Or, at least they do because it’s high velocity travel times inspired the song I wrote They built it for us drivers who like to rev our engines until we hear its howlin’ roar, at which point the only natural course is get your vehicle on the red line overload.”

“But few people are aware that, along with the main route, that there’s a frontage road that people have forgotten about over the years as well. Taking advantage of that knowledge makes traveling to there the Danger Zone much easier, especially since they started that road expansion and repair project about two months ago.”

Loggins, 60, says that he frequently takes the highway to the danger zone as a matter of convenience, saying that he can travel from his home to the action Mecca made popular in his 1986 hit in very little time at all. But wear and tear from drivers jumpin’ off the track and shovin’ into overdrive has created problems such as massive potholes, frequent accidents, and increased travel times, all of which have made the danger zone a much less practical way to travel.

“It used to be that I would be able to travel to my house in the suburbs to the studio where I record, via the highway to the danger zone, of course, in no time at all. I was listening to the traffic report here in L.A. and they said that, at the minimum, it took two-and-a-half hours to get from where my home is to the danger zone by the highway. It used to take 30 seconds. Unbelievable.”

“Not only that, but have you seen the danger zone these days? It’s not even dangerous. There’s a Noodles and Company about to open up, for chrissakes.”

Loggins went on to say that, while he feels partially to blame for popularizing the travel route, which was originally instated as a bypass for commuters wanting to avoid congestion to the downtown area of Los Angeles, he is also stunned by the lack of maintenance on the popular travel route, and opted to take an alternate route of transportation out of practical and environmental concerns.

“It’s only recently that they’ve started the construction on the highway. Travel times have gone through the roof. It just makes more sense to take the frontage road to the danger zone instead. Nobody knows about it, it more or less travels parallel to the side of the road, and I can get better gas mileage now that I am forced to drive slower. Frontage roads are great for many things, but driving like a badass ain’t one of them.”

Loggins continues: “Still, I’m amazed that it took this long to get construction started. Could you imagine what would happen if the highway to the danger zone collapsed? My god, it would tragic. Sure, everyone loves danger, but nobody wants a vehicular holocaust.”

Loggins says that he plans to hold a benefit concert to raise funds to further help pay for repairs on the highway in early 2009.