Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Vampire Weekend Devoured By Werewolves

A tragedy occured yesterday in the indie-rock community, one so bizarrely ironic that those who witnessed it will surely not forget it. Vampire Weekend, who earlier this year released a self-titled debut album to much acclaim from fans, bloggers, and some critics, were savagely eaten by a rogue gang of werewolves at their March 31st show in Salt Lake City, Utah. Witnesses report that the attack was swift and merciless, with those in the front row trying to warn the band of their impending doom, to no avail.

"It was so, so horrible" stated concertgoer Emma Ceasby. "It was worse than hipster irony, which is merely a synonym for being overtly clever or tongue-in-cheek. It was actual irony. I don't think anyone expected Vampire Weekend's demise to be this way. Maybe by the unreasonable expectations hoisted upon their second record, but not by fucking werewolves of all things."

Details are still unreliable, but all who saw the carnage agree on this: The band was in the midst of perfoming, when dark shadows drew closer and closer to the group.

"I think they were performing 'Walcott'--to be honest, not one of my favorite songs from the record. The Blue CD-R version is sooo much better" explained fan Darren "Spooner" Witherspoon. "All of a sudden, these really dark shadows started appearing on the curtain behind them. At first, I thought it was a lighting trick, or especially industrious music bloggers trying to get bootleg recordings. But then Ezra's (Koening, vocals/guitar) spine knocked the bottle of PBR right out of my hand. At that point, I decided it was a good idea to leave."

Amongst the victims are: drummer Chris Tomson, who was beaten to death with his own tom-toms before being swallowed whole; bassist Chris Baio, who was impaled through the forehead with a 1973 Fender Precision bass; keyboardist Rostam Batmanglij, who was eviscerated in half with the very same scarf he wore a few weeks back during the band's "Saturday Night Live" appearence; and Koening, who was so throughly decapitated that he had the same quizzical expression on his face that he normally wears at performance time. Police were still searching for the spine that allegedly knocked over Witherspoon's beer.

Those who were closest to the band were still trying to make sense of the awful massacre.

"I don't even know why werewolves would go to a Vampire Weekend show, let alone eat them!" said band manager Tod Browning. "Perhaps they thought they were going to actually meet vampires, and then got really angry when they saw that it was just four dudes from Columbia College. Either way, this is terrible. I miss the band dearly."

Even though those who were responsible for the slayings are still at large, there is no reason to panic, at least according to those who know both music and werewolves very well.

"The demon wolf is not evil, unless the man he has bitten is evil" said New Yorker music critic and part-time werewolf hunter Sasha Frere-Jones. "Fortunately, for music fans, the only people bitten were proveyors of slightly pleasent, but very gimmicky, afro-indie-pop music. The worse they could have done, if they had survived, is gone after Peter Gabriel. But, as history as shown us, his rhythm section has got a motherfucker of a kung-fu grip. I have no doubts that the wolves would have been defeated."

Despite the supposed lack of threat, Jones said that he will spend his remaining days tracking down the beasts responsible for the killings, using a assembled team of rag-tag music critics and part-time werewolf hunters. Amongst the chosen are Jim DeRogatis of the Chicago Sun-Times and Jessica Hopper of the Chicago Reader.

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3 Comments:

Blogger Staciaann said...

OK, this was one of the only stories that made me really laugh today. Nice work boys.

7:40 PM  
Blogger David said...

What Stacy said.

8:35 PM  
Anonymous lauralee said...

haha this is even better because i was at that show in the front row.

12:18 AM  

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